Today I heard my abuser’s voice for the first time in a decade....

What my ears heard! 

Today I heard my abuser’s voice for the first time in a decade. 

I felt my body build an emotional wall of steel. I put on armor I had not put on in a long time. It was not oiled for easy movement and I was stuck. Stuck trying to maneuver in the suit rather than being in fighting stance. 

I was struggling to fight... again! God where are You?

Then,my ears heard another woman tell me to get over my trauma. 

The words transported me back to having my head bashed into an oven vent hood, the phone shook between my fingers as I grabbed my head. The pain instantly triggered by the memory. 

Flashing lights happened behind my eyes like a movie screen. My eyes welled and my heart sank as the memories blurred one after the other. 

I tried willing my mind to make it stop but the force behind the movie reel was as powerful as the memory of my ex-husband’s extra large hands wrapped around my throat. 

I felt my throat tighten in the present, but I was taken back to the past gasping for air. The two  circumstances merged into one.  I felt dizzy in the present. 

Rage engulfed me. My skin radiated with a fire that I was hell bent on putting out. I didn’t want to feel this. I had no extinguisher. 

I didn’t want to feel anything. 

I wanted to run. 

Her words continued to taunt me... telling me to be quiet, that it all happened in the past... “the past?”, I screamed out. This is very real and current for me. 

The words drowned by past suffocation’s. In my ocean of tears, arms flailing to stay afloat. Too much water.... I can’t see land. I’m scared of this place. I don’t want to drown. Don’t look down. Darkness lives there. 

I can only look up. The sky is the most beautiful scenery. God is in the midst. My arms stop flailing, the water calms just as Sea of Galilee. 

He called out to me, “Gabriella!” His hand appeared through the clouds. Peace be still, for I am with you. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.  I reach for Him. 

A rainbow prism of light shines as our fingers meet and I’m brought back to 2020.

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